Asa’s Story #2

Waking up is never nice, waking up not being able to breathe is worse. To start gasping and trying to force air into your deprived lungs, feeling an invisible weight on your chest. Sleep apnea is a genuine problem. Higher estimates suggest that up to 6% of the adult population suffer with it, although I would imagine the real number to be higher than that. I lift weights seriously and accept that there will be health detriments. Although my BMI was 39.9 (15pts above what was considered morbidly obese) I was incredibly strong. As my bodyweight went up, so did the weights lifted. There were the historical niggles, bad elbow tendonitis, occasional hamstring tweaks but all this was to be expected. I had put on 50kg in 11 months and had gone from being the strongest person in my gym to a whole other level of power.

The first time I was made aware of my health was when I went out for the first time in months, I love to dance and move and struggled to even make it through ‘Dancing Queen’. My size meant I was constantly overheating, and I was allocated a place by the window for all social events. A 23-inch neck, a gargantuan chest, and legs bigger than most peoples’ waists meant all I could wear were tracksuits or specially made clothes. I loved it; I was a jolly fat man. The second I walked into a room the dynamics changed and my personality and ego were even bigger than my physical manifestation. Training was the most important thing in my life (and is still in top 3 priorities) and if something would make me stronger I would do it. Although I never took PEDs I certainly did some reading up and did similarly unhealthy things, drinking 3 litres of chocolate milk per day and eating an estimated 8,000 calories daily.

Friends would remark on the amount of muscular size I had put on between our meetings and strangers would ask me about bench-pressing. As I grew and grew I noticed some changes in my body. Doing up my shoelaces and picking things off the floor became a real burden, walks became a struggle rather than a pleasure and hills became something to plan around. Sharing a room with me had never been enjoyable but my brothers would complain about thunderous snoring and choking in the night keeping them up. My hands would be tingling when I woke due to the poor circulation, often colouring them on a dark violet spectrum. When my lower back hurts from simply walking, due to the blood flow, I know I am strong. During those months, my back hurt constantly. Then COVID-19 happened and the gyms shut. What was the point of being ‘The French Bear’ or ‘The Silverback’ if there was nothing heavy to lift? My mother had been on my case for a while, heart problems being a frequent cause of death in my family, but she didn’t understand the lifting subculture of bigger being better.

However, I started talking to someone and they convinced me that there was more to life than weights. With this shift in priorities I lost 15kg, mainly because I knew that I wanted to be able to be able to things with them wearing clothes other than XXXL hoodies. Without that I probably would have used lockdown as a chance to get even bigger and hoped the improved body mechanics would lead to an improved performance in the gym. At the same time, my housemate and I were gong for regular walks to fuel our creative and artistic juices. At the start of lockdown, I could do a hilly 5km, provided we stopped at the top of each mound, by the end of it we were occasionally doing over 20km in an afternoon. I am healthier now and very close to being as strong as I was. Still though, things play on my mind. I loved being huge. Although far from small now, being huge is a different sensation to being big. Psychology is interesting and the gratification I would receive at the stares directed my way could surely fill a small book of psychiatric issues.

I am constantly torn between the idea of getting disgustingly lean or freakishly massive, and if one cannot decide one remains in limbo, useless. My greatest flaw is the tendency of being split and not knowing what I want. As I write this my arms stretch my XXL shirt, but I still think they are not big enough and that I should be lean enough for the veins to be popping. I have had to use a lot of words to say a very little sentence, and that sentence is that your current ability and body can be easily changed but you need to know what you want.

For a few months of my life I feared going to sleep because I knew I would wake with invisible hands choking me and would be groping desperately for oxygen. I was so strong though. I knew it and I accepted it. I do not think you can be truly exceptional and not obsessed by your objective. You can certainly be very good, but the highest echelon is inhabited by those who are kept awake at night by the pursuit of their goals. I need to decide what I want clearly; my friends are gone from where I live, and all muses can be found in the past. I am in an ideal place to be obsessed and pursue my goals; I just need to be sure what they are. I know my body will adapt and shape itself for whatever I want it to do. You own your body, be proud of it, flaunt it. I am prepared to go up to over 300lbs, to inject myself with a cocktail of drugs and to die young if I decide chasing world records is why I am on Earth. I am prepared to do two hours of cardio every day and run through the mountains screaming my hallelujah to the skies if I decide that is my why.

I cannot consistently choose my own why and have no right to regulate yours, nobody does apart from you. I want to get better at writing, at playing some instruments, at organisation, fix broken heart and soul, to be stronger than I have ever been whilst being acceptable levels of bodyfat. I just want to be a better person and be someone I would be proud of if I knew them. Visualisation. If I am in doubt if I am going to do something, I imagine what the person I want to be would do. They would tidy their room and do their cardio. Your physical presence is simply a shifting manifestation. It is constantly changing through your life, growing, expanding, shrinking, and changing. Your body is yours. Regardless of your health levels, body fat percentage and strengths, you can change all this to the best of your abilities and must remember this. You are worth more than your corporeal form and have the power to shapeshift, to be Bruce Lee’s water and take the form of your recipient. You are all powerful and both the clay and the shaper. Choose your goals, start up the wheel and visualise the power you have.