Alex’s Story #2

It all started when…

So this is actually the second post I’ve written for MyoMinds. But when George offered me the chance to write another blog just recently, this was something I couldn’t not do. I am not sure where I am going to take this so lets just see what we end up writing.

Mental health as a whole agenda is filled with so many complexities. Every person has their unique individual battle. Nobody’s story is exactly the same but what we can do is relate. As someone who attempted to take their life just over two years ago- I can say I don’t have all the answers. However, what does help from my experience is sharing and talking. Honestly so many elements contributed to my whole situation, I was an addict to pills primarily, but I drank a lot to and had some negative experiences growing up. The pills and alcohol were my coping mechanisms. Anything to help opiate the hazy head I had. If something could rid me of the blues, I would fantasise about that something. I was living in a dark twisted fantasy. Every breath felt like instead of it bringing me energy and new life, it brought me one step closer to suffocating. The items I chose to try and cope numbed my feelings and bottled up my emotions which consequently resulted in me being even worse in the long term. I have had insomnia, nightmares, psychosis and just negative experiences growing up which all added fuel to the fire. I was so out of control of my thoughts and just my life in general. It was such a vicious cycle and at the time one I was convinced I couldn’t break. I know with the MyoMinds community, fitness is a big element of the stories I have read. During this time the lack of exercise I was doing was awful. I was staying within the same four walls for the majority of the day for months. My diet was so poor as well, I was having a few hundred calories per day and this was mainly from energy drinks, I just was not eating meals. My depression told me what to do, how to feel and how to think. I just obeyed it. However, please don’t be determined by the dark times that we face in our lives. Let them shape you, as when you come through the other side the strength you develop is so powerful.

So what changed? Well, having some therapy and admitting I had a problem came first. For years I was told ‘Peggers you need help’, and even though my heart knew it, my head did not. Until you make the decision that you need help, no matter how many people tell you to get help it is has to be you that makes the decision to do it for yourself. If you are just doing it to please someone and there is no conviction from you in getting better, it will not be effective. My mindset had to change. Even getting out of the same four walls, improving my diet and having some self-worth helped me so much. Depression made me scared. Scared of this thing we call life. But I tell you what, it is fucking incredible. My experience has taught me so many lessons. Some tough. Some beautiful. People are kind man. My friends- I love them so much honestly. These people are the best thing that ever happened to me. They provide the golden times. The hugs, the conversations, the memories made, the laughs and even the tears. This is the human experience. All these leave physical and mental imprints on us. They shape our personalities. I look back at photos two years ago with my friends and even though I am smiling I see so much pain in my eyes. I think even my closest friends could see it too. True friends can see through a forced smile. I cannot emphasise how far a kind comment or gesture can go. Tell people you love them. Buy your friend their favourite piece of chocolate. Write a letter. Simple gestures can fill someone’s heart for that day or even week from something that takes up minutes of your day- if that! When someone is feeling low gestures like this can really lift a person, and this cannot be underestimated. I think we all know someone who has a dim light on how they perceive themselves. I try to convince those close to me to look at themselves the way I see them through my eyes. Tell them their strengths, their beauty whether this be physically or their personality.

I’m sure you have experienced a moment that you wish could just last forever. A moment where you are genuinely happy. Embrace all those wonderful moments and look back on them fondly. Make more of those unforgettable memories in amazing places with amazing people. Those are the moments which you should stay around for. The unexpected times of pure love, laughter, even tears. It stays with you and you remember it. Leaning on your friends’ shoulder whilst watching a sad film. Those that bring joy in your life outweigh those that bring negative vibes.

You can’t not care about things you actually care about. It’s worth sticking around to make your corner a slightly brighter place. People care. People show love. They show compassion. All those lovely human qualities. Try and be the proportion of this world that is kind. Help others. Love others. Hug people that are sad. Hug people when they receive good news. Kiss people you fall in love with. Please don’t be a wasted talent who threw it away. You make the world a better place by living in it. I nearly threw it away and I am so glad I survived that experience. I know a large proportion of the Myominds community are fitness/sport related, so if you can apply even small elements of this to your personal goals and journey I hope they can be beneficial. 

On that note I’ll close this blog off MyoMinds. My inbox is always open whether you need to chat or vent or talk about nerdy shit like the Simpsons too! Thank you! Much love, Peggers.