Anonymous Story

Sometimes you just need to take a step back from your routine and realise that what to other looks like a “healthy” lifestyle was actually a toxic relationship with food and exercise.

Growing up I was never the smallest of sizes and as I entered high school, I became more conscious of this, especially with the constant and endless exposure to social media and seeing what other peoples perception of perfect was. There was always this pressurising feeling to look a certain way, and that if you didn’t conform to these ideals somehow you would be worth less. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with scoliosis and told that if I didn’t have an operation urgently my lungs could be crushed. After this operation I was left with a 36cm scar down my spine, further adding to the feeling that I would never be “perfect”.

After 9months of no exercise I got into running and taking fitness classes, this started off as a way to socialise but quickly became a method of losing weight and keeping it down, I also at this time became more conscious of taking healthier food choices and fuelling my body with good food but again this then became more of an addiction to only eating those perceived clean foods. I would sit at meals watching others eat the food I desired but avoided them as I didn’t want to risk gaining weight. This continued until I was 16 when I was able to get a gym membership- it was here I found a new love in getting stronger, lifting gave me a sense of empowerment and I gained confidence. But again, what I started doing due to the way it made me feel progressed into an addiction to gym, I no longer did it because it made me feel empowered but for the way it made me look.

I let it take over my life, the thought of not being able to go to the gym made me so anxious that I would turn down plans with friends if it clashed with my gym routine or if I thought there was going to be no option on the menu that fitted with my ideals of what was healthy. I was so consumed with wanting to be healthy I was oblivious to the fact that this wasn’t healthy. 

Sometimes you spend so much time trying to become what you think others will consider perfect that you lose sight of what really matters in life. I am constantly told by those who are close to me that “you don’t always need to try to be so perfect”. It is also those people who were the first to realise the damaging relationship I had with food and exercise even if I didn’t see it myself, they encouraged me through my reluctance to seek help. After appointments with numerous specialists I had a wake up call to the harm I was causing to myself and the long term impacts continuing on this path would cause.

It is safe to say that I am still a far way from not having that anxious feeling I get when something might mess up my gym routine, the guilt I feel when I eat something I haven’t “earnt” that day or punishing myself with excessive cardio .

But it is under these uncertain times and being forced out of a routine that I am so grateful to have such an understanding family who knows that there is no quick fix and that having their love and support is one of the most important things in a journey to getting better.