Chris’s Story

DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY TALKS ABOUT SENSITIVE CONTENT, PLEASE CONSIDER THIS BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER TO READ

Sport always played a big part in my childhood. I was fortunate enough to have an education that both supported and encouraged participation in both team and individual sports. During my time at secondary school, I was captain of both swimming and water polo as well as playing 1st team tennis. During my final 2 years of secondary schools, I was invited onto the schools elite athlete programme and began supplementing my sport with gym sessions and basic nutrition changes to suit. During this time, I began to lose a lot of weight that I had carried throughout childhood, and while I wasn’t delighted with my body image prior to losing the weight; the significant change in body composition was welcome and I felt great about trimming down and my subsequent sporting achievements.

Upon completing secondary school, I undertook a gap year in New Zealand teaching in a primary school. Arriving in August as a new member of the community and aiming to settle in quickly, I joined one of the local gyms, which in time would play a hugely important role in my life.

In October of that year, I was raped and my whole world changed. I apportioned a huge amount of blame of the rape to myself and viewed myself as not only responsible for it happening but also, that it was a result of my being an easy target; I was weak, and I was vulnerable. In the days and weeks that followed the initial pain of the event, I found that going to the gym gave me an escape to concentrate on something other than the confusion that was going through my head. It gave me relief, a sense of calm and stability. To fuel the fire further, my parents and immediate friends saw my commitment to the gym as a positive behavioural trait and encouraged my actions.

In my mind, I was determined to build my body to be stronger, bigger and more intimidating than ever. A masculine display to the world to cover what had happened and ensure my protection moving forward. This driving force pushes me to get up early, lift heavy, obsess over my diet and drives me to build even greater size session on session. Due to the feelings of vulnerability not having been resolved, the consequence of these thoughts has me stuck in a never-ending cycle of not feeling big enough, regardless of my size or strength. The feelings of inadequacy and need to get bigger are non-diminishing – it’s the most powerful source of motivation in my life.  

In the years that followed, I found gyms and working out to be essential or even obsessive part of my life. Since New Zealand my closest friends have been made through gyms around the world and not being able to lift heavy weights feels like a personal attack – such is the driving force.