Shruthi’s Story

Hi, I’m Shruthi, I’m 21 and in 3rd year of university.

At around 15 I decided I wanted to get healthier, up my fitness and lose some weight. Sport was never really my biggest interest, but I always enjoyed netball games in our PE lessons, the occasional badminton games with my dad and sister on the weekend as well as my weekly dancing lessons.

I have always been extremely competitive and determined, wanting to be the best at everything I did in all aspects of life, and this soon translated into working out and food. The years passed and my obsession with trying to achieve the perfect body spiralled, with my justification being wanting to be ‘healthier’.

I loved first year of university, going on all the nights out I could, fully throwing myself into college life. I still was careful with what I was eating and still going to the gym almost every day but the excitement of being around new people and in a new place kept me distracted and I still managed to keep up with my social life and uni work, really trying to make the most of it.

I was going to the gym regularly, running a 5k on the treadmill almost every day, as fast as I could to beat my previous times, beating myself up even if I was a second slower. I ate less and less even though I was exercising more and more, and the thoughts of food and cardio consumed my thoughts as I also tried to keep up with lectures, assignments, rowing and lacrosse in my first year at Durham. But I told myself this was normal, ‘everyone’s part of societies and sports teams and tries to eat healthy so it’s normal.’ I got smaller and smaller but still wasn’t satisfied. A part of me knew that I didn’t need to lose more weight but would also get a sense of achievement from seeing the number on the scales drop.

But I think second year was when it really went downhill. My obsession of trying to be skinnier, eat less and obtain this perfect image of what my body should look like to be attractive began to take over most aspects of my life and I found myself becoming this selfish and bitter person who cared only about food, exercise and whether or not I had abs and a thigh gap. I was only allowed to eat a certain number of calories a day and meals had to be within strict timings. This meant I had isolated myself from my friends at university, turning down spontaneous brunches and nights out, not only because of my fear of consuming too many calories, but also because I was just mentally and physically exhausted.

My family, especially my grandparents who I value the most, were affected, constantly worrying about me, taking me to the doctors, trying to base their cooking around me, doing everything they could to bring back the bubbly, happy teen they’d bought me up as.

I think the realisation that I really did need to seek help hit me midway through last year when I would just find myself crying for no reason, not being interested or able to engage in conversations or any of my previously loved hobbies, just waiting for days to pass rather than enjoying every moment. Exercise and sport had become a way of punishing myself for eating rather than to become stronger and to have fun – which is exactly what it should be!

I eventually saw my GP when I started to regularly feel dizzy and tired. She was brutally honest with me about the effects of treating my body in this way which honestly scared me so much. Why was I doing this to myself? All that being ‘skinny’ gave me was low blood pressure, depression, a lack of energy, weak bones, insomnia, losing my period and I definitely did not feel any more confident about my appearance. I had everything that I wanted, a supportive and loving family, the best friends, a secured internship but I still wasn’t happy.

I have realised that exercise can be so great for your mental health, but only if you are doing it for the right reasons. I do still go to the gym as I love it! It makes me feel good! I no longer treat it as a form of punishment through hours of cardio and also make sure I fuel myself properly throughout the day. I’m now focusing on growing and becoming stronger, making sure I go to the gym because I want to, not because I have to.

Everyone has different fitness goals and routines and I think that comparing yourself or competing with others can be so tiring and detrimental to your mental health. Strive to be the best you can but always remember to celebrate your own little victories, no matter how small they are!

There is so much more to life than slaving away at the gym and punishing yourself for every bit of food you eat, and I definitely still do need to be reminded of this at times!

There is a lot of pressure from social media to look a certain way as well as to make university the ‘best years of your life’ and it can be so easy to bottle up emotions and put on a brave face but just talking to someone can take a huge weight off of your shoulders. I cannot stress the importance of reaching out and talking about your mental health enough as I don’t know if I would still be here without the help of those close to me.

I am by no means fully “recovered” and I know I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there with the help of my GP, my friends and most importantly my family. It’s important to focus on working hard and improving on yourself but also to look at the bigger picture. People will remember you for your personality, laughter and the fun times, not whether or not you had a six pack or a thigh gap. Changing my mindset has been the most difficult part but it really helps me to remind myself that I would rather be the kindest, most compassionate and happy person in the room rather than the skinniest - from someone who’s been there, its most definitely not worth it.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank my mum and my sister who I know have been through so much in these past few years– I definitely would not be where I am today without the endless support from them.

I hope you all have a good day! If anyone has any questions or would just like to chat, feel free to message me!