Will’s Story

You would be somewhat right in thinking I chose this picture as a self indulgent flaunting of my very, very dehydrated body. I should probably also mention, this was for the college fashion show, where I was modelling underwear (this is not how I dress in public …normally). However, this is actually not the main reason I chose this rather tasteless pic. While I look pretty happy at this moment in time, 15 minutes after this photo was taken I was sitting on the floor by the back exit to the college gym, alone and crying my eyes out. I would be sat there, doing that for a further 10/15 minutes before I dried my eyes, and headed to the bathroom, not making eye contact with the crowds of people around the bar.

Probably the biggest thing I like about the gym is the control and security I feel in it. This contrasts with my attitude towards my social life. I’m afraid and anxious of a lot of social interactions because I feel like I have no control. I don’t know what people are thinking, I constantly feel like I need to impress those around me and I generally don’t feel safe. In the gym or when I’m working out this is totally different. I feel in control. I know what I need to do to achieve my goals. I feel safe as I’m somewhere familiar. Most importantly however, it is somewhere I am familiar with enough to no longer feel the need to try and impress anyone. It is probably for that reason that after I finished my catwalk, knowing I was about to start sobbing that I went to the gym straight away (and because I knew no one else would be there).

The feeling of control and sense of achievement I felt when I completed a small goal of mine was when gym and fitness was truly fulfilling. I felt that having gone to the gym for a number of years, people have somewhat misunderstood my motivation behind it. Admittedly, I am one of those people who constantly is flexing in front of the mirror after I get a pump on, and people usually (and understandably) interpret this as plain vanity. There is some of that, but believe it or not the main reason is body dysmorphia – ever since I have started gymming I have never been satisfied with what I saw in the mirror, and constantly gave myself new reasons to hate my body. First it was a bit of mild obesity. Next it was my legs were too small. Next it was muscular asymmetry. Gym and fitness is a fantastic way to relieve stress and provide therapy for mental struggles, but taken too far and in the wrong mind-set it can make things a lot worse. The main reason for why it effected me in this way, was because I allowed my love for the gym to be corrupted by my craving for social vindication. Rather than ask myself how I felt about my body, I wondered what others would think of it.

I wanted so desperately to model underwear at my college fashion show because at that point in time I was craving such validation from my peers. My mental health was taking a rather sour turn. Problems I had been largely trying to ignore or bottle up for years were boiling over by February of 2019, and this manifested itself in my everyday life. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was missing lectures regularly, I sometimes strayed from the balanced diet that George Mycock had put me on in preparation for the fashion show, and would sometimes go long periods of time without eating anything, and in spite of waking up at around 8/9 I usually couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed until around mid day. While I did lose the weight that I wanted for the fashion show, I realised that I would never be satisfied with how I looked – I convinced myself that I should look that little bit leaner, have arms that bit bigger, have a waist that narrower.

The moral of the story isn’t that while gym has the potential to be stressful and harmful to mental health, it is not at all something to avoid. It was in the aftermath of the fashion show that I finally sought help for what the doctor identified as body dysmorphia, social anxiety and depression that I had been shelving for years, through psychotherapy, medication and most importantly doing what I enjoyed, and that was spending time in the gym for me and my own pleasure, and not in the vain hope of impressing people. Being able to write about all of this has also been great for me, as being able to spill what has been a long experience filled with ups and downs into writing has been therapy of its own.

Its not about getting that 6 pack, squatting a new pb or even showing to the world that you can survive purely off of chicken, onion and broccoli, with a dash of soy sauce. Its about having faith in yourself that if you put in the hard work now, and give a little sweat, that life will get better. In so many walks of life it doesn’t always work out this way, but the reason why I love the gym is that this is one place where it always will.