Lara’s Story

Hi, I’m Lara. I’m 19 years old, born and bred in Cardiff and I’m currently living the very unintentionally stereotypical 21st century life of a ‘vlogger.’ Across my social media platforms (primarily YouTube and Instagram), I promote mental health awareness and utilise my past experiences of depression, anxiety and anorexia as a form of education.

My mental health journey has been very turbulent to say the least. Unfortunate, complex and difficult situations triggered the beginning of my personal mental health issues at the very young age of 11 years old. As time progressed, my health deteriorated. As the years went on, my triggers only intensified, thus causing an increase in the severity of my anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I gradually turned to disordered eating habits as a mechanism to cope with the situation I had found myself in. It allowed me the opportunity to regain control – an unfamiliar structure in which I had craved for so long.

It was only a matter of time until the eating disorder was controlling me.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at the age of 15. Despite the endless offerings of support, I was so heavily consumed within the highly addictive lifestyle of anorexia. Each day was dedicated to satisfying the destructive voices, convincing you that success, happiness and acceptance is totally dependent on the number on the scale, how many hours of secretive cardio I could complete, how painfully empty and malnourished I felt. That was the feeling of safety.

I severely isolated myself. People became burdens. Something preventative. Something that would minimize my attention towards my eating disorder. Depression was at an all-time low.

A few months after turning 16 was when action truly began. After 5+ years of pure independence, I had all control stripped away from me. Doctors, nurses and the staff at CAMHS immediately intervened once I was flown home 2 days into from what was originally supposed to be a 2-week family holiday.

Without going into the specifics, my weight was low. Dangerously low. However, at that time I saw that as a success. The fact that my BMI didn’t fit on the graph was a win – motiving in a sense. I found myself in a similar position when they had to use the equipment used typically for toddlers to measure my blood pressure due to the circumference of my arm being so miniscule.

I understand now how unhealthy my mindset was. Only now being overwhelmingly grateful for surviving an almost fatal case of anorexia. It was only a matter of days.

Recovery was slow and testing. Going from eating half an apple each day to now having to follow a painfully specific meal plan was both emotionally and physically challenging. I was monitored, weighed and patrolled for months.

It was only when I decided to be true to myself was when my recovery began. I acknowledged my trigger and took the necessary time to focus on the foundation of my seemly endless list of mental illnesses – rather that solely focus on the physical symptom of weight gain.

Fast forward 1 year, I’m crossing the finish line of the 2017 Cardiff Half Marathon. Yup, you heard that right. My motivated and ‘all or nothing’ characterises which drove me to the height of anorexia, also allowed me to gain weight, regain my love for life and put me on the steady yet positive journey of recovery.

This is where fitness and active living comes into the equation. I was previously immersed into the lifestyle of pure deprivation, weight loss, with total disrespect for my body.

That changed.

As the months progressed, so did my love and appreciation for my body. Being able to walk my 2 rescue greyhounds after being bed ridden was the single most incredible thing I had ever experienced. Fresh air. Nature. Life. Happiness?

Moving wasn’t about burning calories or to cope with guilt. It was empowerment. It was a way to celebrate the strength I had finally regained. After gaining further weight and given the ‘okay’, I slowly began including jogging within my weekly routine. It was very much stop/start, slow and inconsistent at first, however that was my time to embrace the outdoors. To listen to music. To smile at people walking by. To have a very much welcomed hit of endorphins. To love the body that I had hurt for so long.

From that moment, my love for fitness and maintaining an active lifestyle has only grown. I’ve completed 3 half marathons, fundraising for eating disorder charities. I’ve taken part in multiple 10k and 5k races. I genuinely love those events - a motivating group of people, coming together to challenge themselves as a community. Again, running was never about my disordered need to burn calories – it was to demonstrate my continuing development of strength and endurance. To beat my last time, to run more consistently, to be able to get that extra mile in – that was my motivation.

Saying this, I’m now having to limit my long distance running quiet significantly due to an injury which I only aggravated further in my training for my most recent half marathon in October. I managed to tear the ligaments in my left ankle, which very elegantly resulted in myself collapsing at the finish line – not my best look.

I have now transferred that energy into the gym – lifting in particular. Originally, it was the single most daunting place I could’ve ever considered myself entering. But after time, after educating myself, after familiarising myself within that environment and now after working with my coach (Jamie Price – you absolute legend), I feel confident in the area – which I’ve nicknamed ‘the muscle pit.’

I feel powerful there. It’s where I go to escape. To cope with my anxiety. To meet friends. To better myself. It’s benefited my social anxiety more than I could’ve ever imagined. It’s genuinely my happy place.

Had a stressful day? I’d pack my leggings, lose myself to classic rock playing far too loudly in my headphones, throw my hair up in a ponytail, wrap my straps on - and work. Without fail, I’ll leave that gym in a better mindset than when I came in.

Yes, I occasionally receive messages from individuals suggesting/assuming that I’ve ‘replaced one obsessive lifestyle with another.’ From an outside perspective, I assume that that could be an understandable observation. However, if you take a small moment to truly appreciate how I have now transformed my mentality, my relationship with my body and food, you’ll instantly know that fitness has completely changed my life for the better.

I am motivated, I am grounded, I feel productive, I’m gradually becoming stronger. My anxiety and depression are no longer primary factors of my life and identity. I’ve met some of my closest friends within the fitness industry. And most importantly, it makes me happy.

I’m not ‘recovered’ from my eating disorder. I don’t think I ever will be. But I now recognise the tools and positive coping mechanisms which help, support my journey and provide me with a sense of self.