Anonymous Story

Growing up as a gymnast training over 20 hours a week I was always conscious of my body. Not so much how it looked, but how it performed. From a small kid until I was about 11 this is all I cared about: was I powerful enough to perform my tumble perfectly and not get too tired to forget to smile? Was I strong enough to fling a girl 15 feet in the air?

Then suddenly, after I joined a more elite team, I started to notice how I looked. All of the girls around me had strong, lean, slender arms and flat tummies. I remember looking at myself and seeing huge arms and definitely not a flat tummy. I only remembered this a few months ago when I logged onto my old Myfitnesspal and found I started my first diet at 11 years old, setting myself a 500 calorie goal with little to no carbs. A very smart move for a strength and endurance athlete...

I think we often don’t acknowledge the abnormality of children dieting if it's not noticeable in their bodies. I was open with my family about this desire but because my body composition didn't change drastically (probably from a result of binging and purging which I hid) it wasn't an issue. I think a lot of people can relate to looking in the mirror and feeling repulsed at your body but not being able to change it. This hatred, binging, and purging continued until I was 18. I never thought I had any issue, mentally or physically, I was just a chubby girl who wanted to be slim but loved digestives too much. It's quite difficult to step outside of yourself and admit that you have a problem. It's even more difficult to break it.

For me, there was a week in my life when I was losing someone close to me which made me realise that it literally does not matter. Your body is just something that helps you stay alive and live your life. It doesn't matter. 5% body fat or 45%, flat tummy or a muffin top, it just doesn't fucking matter. I finally got back to my eight year old self, exercising because it's fun, because I want to be powerful and strong and to be able to do cool things. While I might not scoff 2 packs of biscuits in one sitting now, I'm enjoying myself.