Guille’s Story

The days went by without there being much change, I felt lost… yet I wasn’t sure what I was trying to find. My life was constantly fighting battles which had no victory or losses, no strategies or organization, and no control or stability. Loneliness followed me as if it were my shadow but it was a loneliness I created, not one that was implemented upon me. In a way it was, I lost people who I loved due to distance. I do not just mean geographical distance, I also refer to personal and emotional distance. I was insecure - Why don’t they like me? Will I be accepted? Will I get bullied again if I am fat? These thoughts led me to realize that I am fully in control of what I eat and how I train, which will ultimately influence how I look. Finally, I knew how to become accepted- eat little and exercise a lot. My goals were ingrained in my head and no matter the consequences, I was determined to reach my end goal. The irony in this was that I really did not have a goal nor did I realize the consequences that were to cross my future. I created a world for myself and an image of myself that can only be found in dreams, however, this dream turned into a nightmare.

Mornings were lost in thought of making sure I weighed less than the day before and making sure I saw myself lean. Panic and stress flowed through my veins if the scale went up or if my body image changed slightly… these were tricks that my mind played with me. I went through days not knowing what I’m doing but since I developed an obsessive, compulsive behaviour I knew what I had to do at the exact time I had to do them. If something messed up my schedule my mind played tricks with me again and I would become anxious. Days were long and nights were short since a troubled mind makes a restless pillow. I was lost in thought, in insecurities and in worries. I studied long nights since my idea was to study medicine and I felt pressured in getting the highest grades.

I wanted to be accepted but I avoided social interaction, tell me… how can someone become part of society if they run away from it? “I can’t go out, there will be food I can’t eat”… “It is not in my schedule”… “I have no time since I have to train and study”. These were my excuses. Yet no one understood me, they said I am strange, weird and different… now I am being punished not for my looks but for who I was becoming. But they were right… what I thought to be a healthy investment was actually costing my life years and paying death a quicker entry.

My dinner plates became smaller and my training sessions longer. If the scale went up, the food went down. If I binged ate, that meant one whole day without eating with a long-running session. Nights were long when I was hungry and could also not fall asleep due to my muscles aching. I woke up with my joints hurting and my head about to explode, but I had to stick to the schedule. It was all that mattered to me. But the guilt was still there since I avoided friends and families. They were frustrated that I missed out on social events and preferred to stay at home inside my room studying and training. But no one saw the time, effort and pain I was investing. What they did see was the face of misery I had and they heard the tears that sometimes drained down my face. 

I finally crashed and took it too far, I developed both depression and anorexia…one kilogram less meant living in a hospital away from my family, where my training and diet would be controlled… the only things I thought were mine to control.

Through my recovery, I realized that what I thought was making me stronger was actually making me weaker. My medicine turned out to be social interaction and most importantly… food. I learned how nutrition can influence every aspect of your life and this led me to study Nutrition for my undergraduate degree. 

Recovering from a mental health disorder is not easy and it is definitely not a quick process. It takes many months, even years… I had developed my conditions at the age of 15 and did not feel fully recovered until I was 21. Even after many counselling sessions, anti-depressants and self-development practices, I did not make changes. 

It was only after teaming with a nutrition coach during my 3rd Year of university, who had gone through similar things as myself did I make changes. Why? Because finally, someone understood what I went through and allowed me to relate. I felt supported and as if I was not alone when it comes to having mental health disorders. Being able to feel understood and that your issues can be related to someone else’s are the things I found to be most important when it comes to mental health.

However, those were not the only things that helped. Even though my family could not understand completely, they were there for support, love and care until the very end. I had to do things that I feared and avoided in order to start making gradual changes, and those are the things that allow you to grow the most mentally and physically. I learned to focus only on things that were under my control to avoid anxiety and fight to find more balance in my life. One thing you need to realize is that even though you can get support, love and care from people, you are the one that needs to make the changes for yourself and actually start making those changes, no one else can do that for you or even solve your problems. That does not mean going through things alone, it is realizing that you can make things happen only if you believe in yourself and take action. 

I believe that in life we have one job only- to be better than what we were yesterday in whichever way and if it is hard one day, then you try again tomorrow- perseverance and consistency.

Learn to lean on and reach out to others when you need the support, hence, why I believe Myominds is such a powerful tool. 

Always remember that things will get better over time so always fight for a better day, but it is you who has to put in that effort. It is not about being perfect, but simply progressing every day.  

I hope people who read this can relate and if needed, you can always reach out to me. I wish I had that kind of support when I was 15 so I am willing to provide it to anyone who needs it. Thank you.