Nellie’s Story

Hey, I’m Nellie, a 4th year at Durham and a full-time bulimic.

Prior to coming to University, I had a long history of bulimia and other MH issues, and indeed do still struggle with depression and PTSD. From the age of 12 I remember making myself sick after eating, regardless of the portion size I had consumed.

Fast forward to uni in 2015, and 7 years into my eating disorder. I found myself in Freshers week; experiencing drinking for the first time, being surrounded by people who I thought I was too ugly to be friends with, and binging on the daily.  I spent the majority of my 1st year alone in my room, and if my friends knocked to get me I pretended to not be in. I was too ashamed to be seen. The bulimia was out of control, what I now know to be depression was throwing havoc with my social life, thus meaning I lost numerous friends.

I now realise that I was also struggling with very bad body dysmorphia. Each year I found myself determined to whip myself into shape over the summer holidays and beat my ED once and for all, but every year the time cane round and I continued to ‘fail’. It felt easier to succumb to the daily pain of damaged teeth, scars, and stomach pains as opposed to the mental fight of saying ‘No’ to a binge and purge session.

I occasionally went through periods of time where I would manage to not purge in a week, sometimes it would only be once a day, but more often than not it would be multiple times a day. This took a toll on my body (and bank account), I pushed friends and family away, I stopped going to all academic commitments. It made coxing very hard, and there have been numerous occasions when I would announce I was in Wales and unable to train, all because I couldn’t face people seeing me how I saw myself.

I am now 22 and still stuck in this dark, monotonous cycle. I’ve ‘flaked’ on job interviews, celebrations with friends and family, have missed all but 10 academic commitments since starting my masters, and find myself still in bed late into the afternoon. Despite my ED and general MH being less than grand, I still find myself thinking that what I do is just attention seeking, and I that I don’t deserve treatment because I’m a ‘fake’.

Thing is, I look healthy. I always have. And that’s what is tricky to understand, for myself and those who know me. Unless you know the signs and what bulimia can look like, you’d never know it was something I struggled with. Which is the case for so so many people who struggle with their mental health.Nobody sees anything. Nobody knows. That’s why we have to talk (and risk being branded as ‘attention seeking’ and ‘dramatic’).

What started out as one simple thing I did when I felt full and ugly has turned into something which has more control over my life than myself or anyone and anything else will ever have.

Just like you wouldn’t leave a physical condition to worsen in front of your eyes, don’t let your mental health get into a state where you feel out of control. Much like serious physical conditions, if you leave your mental health to deteriorate it can be extremely dangerous, and even fatal.